• While the Swiss Army Knife has been popular for years, the Swiss Navy Knife has remained largely unheralded. Its single blade functions as a tiny canoe paddle.


  • Modern rain suits made of fabrics that “breathe” enable campers to stay dry in a downpour. Rain suits that sneeze, cough, and belch, however, have been proven to add absolutely nothing to the wilderness experience.


  • Lint from your navel makes a handy fire starter. Warning: Remove lint from navel before applying the match.


  • You’ll never be lost if you remember that moss always grows on the north side of your compass.


  • You can duplicate the warmth of a down-filled bedroll by climbing into a plastic garbage bag with several geese.


  • The canoe paddle, a simple device used to propel a boat, should never be confused with a gnu paddle, a similar device used by Tibetan veterinarians.


  • When camping, always wear a long-sleeved shirt. It gives you something to wipe your nose on.


  • Take this simple test to see if you qualify for solo camping. Shine a flashlight into one ear. If the beam shines out the other ear, do not go into the woods alone.


  • A two-man pup tent does not include two men or a pup.


  • A potato baked in the coals for one hour makes an excellent side dish. A potato baked in the coals for three hours makes an excellent hockey puck.


  • In emergency situations, you can survive in the wilderness by shooting small game with a slingshot made from the elastic waistband of your underwear.


  • The guitar of the noisy teenager at the next campsite makes excellent kindling.


  • The sight of a bald eagle has thrilled campers for generations. The sight of a bald man, however, does absolutely nothing for the eagle.


  • It’s entirely possible to spend your whole vacation on a winding mountain road behind a large motor home.


  • Bear bells provide an element of safety for hikers in grizzly country. The tricky part is getting them on the bears.


  • In an emergency, a drawstring from a parka hood can be used to strangle a snoring tent mate.

Camping Tips

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  • When using a public campground, a tuba placed on your picnic table will keep the campsites on either side vacant.


  • Get even with a bear who raided your food bag by kicking his favorite stump apart and eating all the ants.


  • A hot rock placed in your sleeping bag will keep your feet warm. A hot enchilada works almost as well, but the cheese sticks between your toes.


  • The best backpacks are named for national parks or mountain ranges. Steer clear of those named for landfills.