Reflections on Modern Music

I was listening to my ipod and heard a few songs by Eli, who is quickly becoming one of my favorite Christian artists, that really apply to what I'm struggling with in my life right now.

Unqualified

If I had to do it over
I can't say I wouldn't do the same
Cuz thru it all I've leanred about my God's forgiveness
Well I rejoice cuz I can turn to Him and say

I have stolen, cheated, I have lied
I am prideful and unqualified
I am broken when I realize
It's God's grace, God's grace
That covers me

Instead of regretting my past mistakes, I need to learn from them. When I allow myself to regret what I've done in the past I find myself repeating my actions; but if I learn from them I can avoid getting into the same mess again.

1 John 1:9 If we confess our sins He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. assurance of forgiveness

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Life on the Edge

Open up my eyes, to face another day
And I start to struggle, who will I obey
Temptation surrounds me, tryinig to resist
I may end up winning, or end up caving in


I See myself winning the battle more and more, and lately I'm winning more than caving, but that temptation still surrounds me. I just need to remember to look to God and use Him as my strength to resist that temptation.

1 Corinthians 10:13 No temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to bear it. assurance of deliverance

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Hypocrite Song

I preach about redemption
As I look you in the face
Then I'm convinced I must be dyin'
But it's just somethin' I ate
But it's Jesus who gives mercy
To make a weak man strong
So he can stand and sing
His hypocrite song

I thank the Lord that there's a Heaven
Full of hypocrites like me
So tell the angels to get ready
Cuz it may not be too long
Until I come and sing my hypocrite song

I can't wait to see my Savior
And look Him in the face
Shake His hand and plainly thank Him
For forgiving my mistakes
And for helping me remember
That even when I'm right I'm wrong
Then we'll rejoice and sing this hypocrite song

We're all in the same boat. No one is perfect. I don't need to be ashamed that I have sinned and fallen back; I just need to confess, repent and move forward.

Psalm 100 - All Men Exhorted to Praise God. A Psalm for Thanksgiving.

1 Shout joyfully to the LORD, all the earth. 2 Serve the LORD with gladness;Come before Him with joyful singing. 3 Know that the LORD Himself is God; It is He who has made us, and not we ourselves; We are His people and the sheep of His pasture. 4 Enter His gates with thanksgiving And His courts with praise Give thanks to Him, bless His name. 5 For the LORD is good; His lovingkindness is everlasting And His faithfulness to all generations.

Yesterday I was:

scared
stressed
nervous
anxious
frustrated
trying desperately to rely on God
at peace (weird, huh)
wanting to run away and hide for a few days

Someone gave me the following verses for me to be:

Courageous- Joshua 1:9, "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go."

Relaxed- Isaiah 40:11, "He tends his flock like a shepherd: He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart;
he gently leads those that have young."

Comfortable-2 Corinthians 1:5, "For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows"
Brave-1 Corinthians 16:13, "Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be men (or WOMEN!) of courage; be strong."

Relying only on God- 1 John 4:16, "And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him."

Peaceful- Song of Solomon 8:3, "His left arm is under my head and his right arm embraces me."

Romans 16:20, "The God of peace will soon crush Satan under your feet. The grace of our Lord Jesus be with you."

God's word is so comforting and relaxing and just what I needed to get me through a difficult work situation. Thank you GOD!!!!!

Psalm 89:18
All we are and have we owe to GOD,
Holy God of Israel, our King!

The Message

Lectio in Practice

So during my prayer time this morning I was confessing some sins in my life and asking God for forgiveness and strength to do the right thing. I then asked for courage to continue to do the right thing and not slide back and do the easy thing.

I had to stop praying. That word, courage, was sticking out in my mind. I looked in my journal and realized the phrase "Take Courage" from the Lectio last week was staring at me. God was using the Lectio from last week to help me this week.

Go God!!!

Friends

"A friend is able to see you as the wonderful person God created you to be."
Ann D. Parish

Psalm 87:7

..."All my springs of joy are in you."

God is my joy. I don't need anything/anyone else for that joy. I maybe seem happy on the outside with my fleshly satisfactions, but my ultimate joy, peace, happiness and contendedness comes from Jesus Christ.

Why do I try looking anywhere else?

Lectio Divina: Matthew 12:25-30

The lectio last week from bible study was Matthew 12:25-30. (For more on the description of the Lectio, read "Reflections on Bible Study")

During the fourth watch of the night Jesus went out to them, walking on the lake. When the disciples saw him walking on the lake, they were terrified. "It's a ghost," they said, and cried out in fear. But Jesus immediately said to them: "Take courage! It is I. Don't be afraid." "Lord, if it's you," Peter replied, "tell me to come to you on the water." "Come," he said. Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, "Lord, save me!"

Lectio: Jesus saying "Take courage" and Peter saying, "Lord, save me!" stuck out in my mind

Meditatio: The word immediately was very strong in my mind. Jesus does not wait to identify Himself. He does not want us to wonder if it is Him speaking to us or something/someone else. Peter saw the wind and was afriad when he wasn't focusing on Jesus

Oratio: God is telling me that I need to get the wind (distractions) out of my life. The wind can be the sin and general evil in my life. Is God asking me to be courageous about something? Is He needing me to take courage?

Contemplatio: "God, save me from my sin and selfishness. Save me from the wind in my life."

You Can't Go Home Again .....

OK. I'm home in California. I'm exhausted after such a busy weekend. Not a day went by that we didn't do some bit of travelling. On Thursday we flew from CA to CO (9 hours door to door). On Friday we drove from Denver to almost Canyon City to Pueblo (we had 2 of the bridesmaids with us and they needed to get the last minute alterations done on their dresses in Canyon City). Saturday was the wedding, then we drove from Pueblo to Denver late. Then yesterday we flew from Denver to San Francisco (9 hours door to door again).

I was in a really bad mood again yesterday. I think being overtired from the long weekend was catching up with me. I yelled at the TSA guy after he was so nice to me and then almost cried. I'm sure that all my emotions from the weekend and seeing my best friend get married and being tired and everything just all made me explode right there. Eric gave me a hug and I felt a little better.

I got on the plane and was able to relax some more and I think that helped too.

Here's an e-mail I sent to my mom Saturday morning spilling all my emotions out on the table.

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So I told you that I was really bummed that I wasn't a bridesmaid in Angela's wedding, right? After being upset for about 2 weeks and feeling sorry for myself (kind of thinking that she didn't think of me as good of a friend as I considered her .....) I decided to get over it and be the best friend I can be from California and do what I could when I got to Colorado. That's what I'd need if it were my wedding, so that's what I'll do for hers.

She told me yesterday that she was really regretting not making me a bridesmaid. That made me feel really special. In a way, I felt like it validated our friendship. Then I started to feel bad because I realized part of the reason I wanted to be a bridesmaid was to show all of her family and Chad's family who I am and that we're really good friends and I'm not just some person from bible study. But that was my selfish side coming out. Anyway, I'm happy to help with her wedding in any way possible and I'm honored that she now wishes I were in her wedding.

I've never told her that I was sad about not being a bridesmaid. That's not something she needs as she's getting married. In fact, Eric's the only one who really knows.

Last night, as I left the hotel at midnight to come back to Carl's and spend some time with my husband, I was kind of relieved that I wasn't in the wedding and I could just relax and watch it all happen. Of course I'm still doing a bunch of stuff for her, but I'm happy to do that.

And for some reason as I was saying good night to everyone at the hotel and coming back to Carl's I felt more married than I ever had. Kind of weird. I guess because I was talking about staying at my father-inlaw's and needing to spend time with my husband. I don't know; it was a weird feeling. I kind of looked back on myself and felt like I was looking at an adult and someone who wasn't me and I've never seen before.

Look at me, Mom, I'm growing up!!!

Anyway, that's my emotional outpour for the weekend. I'm sure I'll have more to spill after the wedding. We're going to breakfast with Carl this morning, then over to the church to finish setting up at noon. The wedding's at 2. Angela's getting her hair done at 11; if I have time, I might stop in and say hello. If not, I gave Karen my camera to take pictures of that. I know Angela's gonna want pictures of the behind the scenes stuff. I took a bunch of pictures yesterday and last night when the girls got their dresses fitted and at the rehearsal. I'm kind of the unofficial family photographer I guess. I told Eric, just call me dad.

OH .... I almost forgot, I'm so happy we didn't print any of the programs Thursday night because they changed things up on me yesterday during the rehearsal. So I could edit the program as they were rehearsing. Then we went to Kinko's and got them printed up. They turned out nice. I just did a 1/2 sheet front and back with a couple pictures of Angela and Chad to spruce it up a bit.

OK ...... I need to go now. Have a good Saturday and I'm sure I'll call you later.

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So now that the wedding's over I have come to some more conclusions. I don't know very many people in her current circle of friends. It's changed so much since I left Colorado that I don't think I'm in the same place in her life as I once was. I'm sure I'm in the same place in her heart, but certainly not in her life. There were two bridesmaids I never met. How I never met them before the wedding, I don't know, but they are part of the new circle of friends that started to form right before Eric and I got married. So seeing her new circle and seeing how much her life has changed I am even more accepting of not being a bridesmaid.

Furthermore (I feel like I'm writing an essay or something), I also finally accept that Pueblo and Colorado in general is not home anymore. My home is in Californina. As hard as that is to accept, as this was supposed to be transitional and I'm not supposed to get settled in here and be happy here, I need to start thinking of this as home and Colorado as my former home.

Aside from my in-laws, there isn't anything left for me in Colorado. I ocassionally feel kind of lost and homeless since my circle of friends still isn't a very strong circle here, but I'm getting roots and getting tied down a little.