Fasting

Sunday's sermon was on fasting. The biblical aspecs and origins. The Israelites were called to fast during the Day of Atonement. It was a day to wait on God and fully rely on God's strength. It was a day to trust God to work HIS will. It's an expression of total dependence on God. It's not about manipulating God, but about truly trusting Him.

Pastor A. used teh analogy of a broker vs. a Father. If we treat God as a broker, we go to Him with a list of things we want and are prepared to pay for them. However, if God is our father, we go to Him humbled and on our knees, showing Him our vulnerability and trusting Him.

Andrew listed several biblical examples of fasting

1 Sam 7: fasted for revival
Ezra: fasted before a dangerous journey
Daniel: fasted for health
Esther: fasted for her people and protection against evil
Nehemiah: fasted after hearing about the temple and before rebuilding
Jesus: fasted in preperation for His ministry
Disciples: fasted before choosing a replacement for Judas
Paul: fasted before beginning his ministry
Paul/Barnabas: fasted when commissioning elders

Fasting is kind of like extra credit. It's never truly commanded in the bible, but is demonstrated and highly encouraged.

In response to the sermon, Andrew "called" the congregation to a corporate fast on Tuesday. Fasting for "new life" in our community.

I've fasted before, but only short fasts, 6-8 hours. I wanted to challenge myself and do a total fast for 24 hours. I treated myself to a great dinner and a root beer float Monday night.

The focus of my fast was 2-fold. I fasted corporately for "new life;" praying for revival and a new appreciation of God in our community. I personally focused on my loneliness, depression, anger, bitterness, the direction God is leading me regarding fellowship and bible study, and the direction of my relationships with my co-workers. (That's a lot to pray about in one day.)

I don't want to be angry and bitter at work any longer. Part of my attitude adjustment involved forgiveness. Forgiving myself for my mistake a few weeks ago and allowign myself to move on.

I had a tough time. I kept wanting to eat something and tried to convince myself that I could eat dinner or drink juice and still say I did a partial fast. I wanted to distract myself from the hunger. I realized that the purpose of the fast is to pray when I'm hungry and to rely on God. Fasting without the prayer is a waste of time and just foolish.

I was determined to make it. And I did. Hunger kept me awake most of the night; I had to pray myself to sleep several times.

I don't think any bright light bulbs went off during the time of fasting and prayer. Nothing earth shattering or life changing took place. But at the end of the day I realized that yesterday was the most calm and peaceful day at work in several months. I wasn't bitter or angry. I didn't get upset. I don't even remember complaining.

On my drive home, a drive that usually causes me to yell and scream at the other California drivers, I was calm, patient, and just went with the flow.

This is a feeling I've not had at work in a long time. Total reliance on God for His strength created a peaceful spirit in me.

Now the goal is to remember this and continue to rely on God to get through every day. I already felt a tinge of frustration today over something that was a non-issue yesterday. I need to give it to God and let God deal with it in His way.

Telling Yourself the Truth --- The One Year Book of Hope

Psalm 119:28b-29
Strengthen me according to your word.
Remove the false way in me
Graciously grant me Your law.

New King James says, "Remove from me the way of lying!"

There are two types of lies that I need removed from me, lies to myself (or from Satan) and lies to other people.

Lies to Myself (Lies from Satan)
*I'm all alone in the world
*I have no friends
*Everyone hates me
*I'm stupid
*I'm unforgiveable
*I'm a bad wife
*What I'm doing isn't wrong
*Everything would be better if...

Lies to Other people
*A lie about my emotional state of being or an exaggeration of my state
*Life Sucks
*I'm not doing anything wrong

All of these lies are harmful. Aside from being sin, these lies will cause damage to myself or my relationships or other people.

Damage done by lying to myself:
*lowers my self-esteem
*pulls me further into depression
*I start to believe that they're true
*start to lie to others more
*turn and run away from God
*turn to the things of the world for comfort rather than to God

Damage of lying to others:
*Loss of trust
*that's how gossip and rumors start
*others are unable to help me and pray for me
*I lie to myself more

God ~ please remove the lies from me. Remove them from my mind and my mouth and my heart. Keep me honest with myself, my friends, my co-workers, my husband. Please help me to see the Grace and blessings that you have given me. Amen.

The One Year Book of Hope -- by Nancy Guthrie

I found this book at the Christian bookstore on Saturday. I wasn't sure yet if I wanted to buy it, so I set it back on the shelf and thought about it for a few days. I concluded that while I don't believe I'm in the place this author is writing to, this book can and would prove helpful for me in my current situation/trial. I bought the book yesterday

The book is designed to read a little piece each day, 5 days/week. Each week has a theme. Each day has a scripture, a devotion, and then a suggestion for digging deeper into the scripture for the day.

I pray that God will use this book to speak to me, to help me see the blessings that He's bestowed upon me, and to help me be the person God has created me to be.

The One Year Book of Hope

Finding Treasures in Trials...

"Whenever I feel fear or worry, I thank the Lord for the feeling, then test the following six reasons until I understand the source: the future, my reputation, money, possessions, time, or health. After that, I submit the concern to Him."

- From "It Takes Two to Tango" by Gary and Norma Smalley
All excerpts from "It Takes Two to Tango" are copyright 1997 Gary and Norma Smalley, and are used with permission.

New opportunity?

When Eric and I were out and about on Saturday we wandered into the Christian bookstore. As we were leaving, I saw a help wanted sign. Minimum 3 shifts a week. One shift that's open is M-F 5-9:30. I get off work at 3:30 and could work 3 evenings from 5-9:30.

I've been pondering the idea since Saturday.

I still haven't made a decision. I'm really liking having my evenings free to do what I want. But at the same time, all I do when I get home is watch TV and sulk. Sometimes I feel like the life gets sucked out of me as I walk in the door and I have no energy or motivation to do anything; I occassionally feel VERY depressed, lonely, and invisible. Would having a second job and something to do in the evenings alleviate this???? I dunno.

Eric and I are both concerned that I'll burn out. I would be working 12+ hours a day, and until I move back to my other shift, I'll be up starting at 5:30 and not get to bed until after 10. I don't know if that would be good for my spirit. I also fear that I would not have time to just hang out with the few friends that I have. If I choose to do another bible study or a one-on-one study with someone I would then go from 1 free evening a week to 0.

BUT .... I'd have something to do in the evenings. I'd have fellowship with other believers. I would be in a Christian bookstore; I love Christian bookstores. I might make a friend or two. I'd have the chance to serve the community where I live. It would be a ministry more than a job.

If I were to put all the pros and cons on a scale, I believe the scale would be balanced. I'm still seeking God on this. Since getting a job would really change things, I think I need a HUGE sign saying to do this. If I don't get that, I think I'll stay put and be content.

Starting a Conversation

Kin Hubbard
"Don't knock the weather. If it didn't change once in a while, nine out of ten people couldn't start a conversation."

While this is meant to be funny, I find it very true. I think I am one of those nine. I don't start conversations well. I don't usually talk about the weather, but the sentiment of this statement fits me very well. I don't "do" small talk.

And with all this changing God's doing inside of me to get me to break out of my shell, I still don't "do" small talk. I'm learning how to greet people at church. I made it a point yesterday to talk to someone who I don't usually talk with. It wasn't somebody new to church, but someone with whom I've had very few conversations.

It's a slow process, but I do feel God moving and changing me.

Gratitude

I was listening to an old sermon yesterday about Gratitude. Kevin's theme point was this, "Gratitude arises naturally when we consider where we have come from, where God hs brought us and where God is taking us."

I thought about this statement for quite a long time after I finished listening.

I look at my life and I think there are definately things for which I can be grateful, but then I also see so many areas where I feel like I've taken a huge step back and I've fallen from where God helped me get and I get really discouraged.

So where has God brought me?

I don't know.

There are two aspects to that. One is physical and one is spiritual.

I see pretty good growth in my phsyical state of life. Health is good, money is good and getting better, I am good at my job. Of course I see some major problems too. This whole thing with my co-worker and then even more than that my lack of friends. And then all the areas where I see myself falling short of the wife God wants me to be.

And I feel like my spiritual life is just falling further and further away from where God wants me to be. It's so frustrating. And one area of overlap, being a virtuos wife, I feel like I fall really short.

My friend suggested that maybe I put too much emphasis on areas where I mess up and that I put too much under the microscope. That sure made me think. Do I? Am I too hard on myself?

I'm not sure if it's that I'm overanalyzing or putting it too much under the microscope. I'm trying to take a serious look at my life to see if I'm who I need to be. Am I setting an example at work of what it means to be a Christian? Am I glorifying God in all my actions? Am I seekign God's will and guidance and wisdom for my actions??? The whole thing with my co-worker a couple weeks ago is just proof that the answers to the previous questions are all "no," and that's why it's so hard on me right now. I'm NOT who God wants me to be. I'm NOT who my mom raised. I'm NOT who Eric married. I'm NOT the person I want to be. And I need to figure out how to be all those people. I need to change me. I just don't know how.

When I was trying to be less elusive at work (to try to overcome my self-induced invisibility complex) and not hide myself in my cube, I got myself in trouble with gossip. Now I'm trying again to just sit in my cube and not say anything, which causes huge pains of loneliness. The one day I started to speak up and feel like I belonged again, I was told I needed to be careful to not get myself mixed up with someone who's on the boss' blacklist. So here I am again, sitting quietly in my cube, keeping to myself, not talking to anyone, minding my own business, and feeling miserable, lonely and scared.

Yes, I need to take my stuff to God. I need to give God my shortcomings and let Him deal with them. But I don't know how.

I had a thought that I need to be ME and be very analytical about where God has brought me and where God is taking me. I'm just afraid that I'll see all my failures and those will outweigh my growth. The analytical move then is to recognize myself as a failure and not find anything to be grateful for.

I'm thinking/praying about making a change in my fellowship. While I love the women in my bible study very much, and I love what I've learned that the growth that I've made while in my bible study, I think I need a change of pace and need to work one-on-one with someone. I'm praying about this decision and who God would have me meet with. My mom suggested maybe not someone to disciple me, but me to disciple someone. That's an interesting thought too. Give me a chance to serve and feel useful in God's Kingdom.

Along the lines of serving, I have been asked to take over the prayer chain responsibilities. I had a couple suggestions, so I submitted them to Pastor A. Eric says, "That's a good way to volunteer for stuff." Yeah, I guess he's right. I think that I'm going to do it. It's a new direction of serving for me and since I've stepped down from the worship team, it's something that I think I need to do. I would also hate to see my ideas implimented and then not be a part of it and see it all fail.

I do see growth in myself, but I also see LOTS of areas for improvement. Corrie mentioned that things are getting harder now and that I feel like I'm falling down so much more now because God's gotten rid of the sandpaper and has started taking chunks out of the marbel that he's using to sculpt me. That's a really comforting thought. It sucks, but I really am looking forward to the end product. I just wish he'd hurry up and finish!

How Firm a Foundation

How firm a foundation, ye saints of the Lord,
Is laid for your faith in His excellent Word!
What more can He say than to you He hath said,
To you who for refuge to Jesus have fled?

Fear not! I am with thee; O be not dismayed,
For I am thy God and will still give thee aid
I'll strengthen thee, help thee, and cause thee to stand,
Upheld by My righteous, omnipotent hand.

When through fiery trials thy pathway shall lie,
My grace, all sufficient, shall be thy supply
The flame shall not hurt thee; I only design
Thy dross to consume and thy gold to refine

The soul that on Jesus hath leaned for repose;
I will not, I will not desert to His foes.
That soul, though all hell should endeavor to shake,
I'll never, no never, no never forsake

We sang this song in church last Sunday. It really spoke to me. The entire song is applicable to my current state right now.

Bitterness

But if you have bitter jealousy and selfish ambition in your heart, do not be arrogant and so lie against the truth. This is the wisdom not that which comes down from above, but is earthly, natural and demonic. For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there is disorder and every evil thing.

My bitterness and anger have taken over my life. I did something so stupid and was advised to not do it, I knew it was stupid before I did it, and yet I did it anyway. Talk about foolishness. Added to my guilt is that what I said got back to someone who got incredibly hurt over it. While I feel that in a way I was wronged, I was wrong to begin with.

I don't like myself. I can't forgive myself for this. I am so frustrated with myself. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to give this to God.

I need to fix myself. I don't know how to rid myself of this bitterness and anger. It is affecting my relationship not just with the two women who have caused me pain and grief, but also my loved ones. I am not acting in a Christ-like manner. My mother, if she saw my actions and not just my interpration of the scenario, would not be proud of me. I am not who she raised. I am not who I want to be.

I hate to write such a self-demeaning assessment of myself, but it's really how I feel right now. I almost feel as if I'd be better off disappearing for awhile. I wonder if anyone would miss me. I honestly think people would be happier if I weren't here every day causing problems.

I hope this project that I'm supposed to work on for another department will open up some doors for possibly a lateral move in the company. I don't want to quit my job simply because I don't get along with a couple people (we work fine together), but I also don't want to be bitter, angry, mean, bitchy, etc anymore either.

Who among you is wise in understanding? Let him show by his good behavior his deeds in the gentleness of wisdom.

Wisdom is apparantly what I'm lacking.

God please help me!!!!!!!