March 31, 2004

WOW - I finished this book on my way home from school tonight. I'm going to re-read parts of it and really meditate on brokenness and how broken I am and my personal brokenness with God. I think I'm very broken in some areas, kinda broken in other areas, and VERY proud in other areas. I am kinda scared to see how God wants to further break me, but at the same time I'm excited to see what He does and where He takes me.

More after I get my thoughts together on the book.

Wednesday, March 24, 2004

I'm currently reading through a book called brokenness, by Nancy Leigh DeMoss (?). It's a quick read, but lots of good stuff. As I get some thoughts on the book I'll post them here and let y'all read what I'm thinking and what God's doing in my life.

Wednesday, March 17, 2004

When I read through the OT, I often say to myself, "WOW - these people just keep making the same mistake over and over and over and over again and God keeps telling them the same things over and over and over and over again. What's wrong with them!!" But then I look at my life, and it's the exact same thing!!! Boy am I a hypocrite!

Well, I realized something today. I haven't had anything to post in here because God hasn't said anything to me worth posting. Then it occurred to me that I haven't listened to God.

Oh wait, could this be why I'm having trouble focusing in school?

Is this why I'm not sleeping well (even though I bought a new pillow?)?

Is this why work has been so stressful?

DUH!!!!!

So I decide to pick up my bible and read it again and spend time in his word.

But I know what's going to happen. The same thing that always happens. I read it for about a week, then leave it in the car after church, or the living room, or the office, wherever I'm not and I'm too lazy to go pick it up and read it. And I go back to the beginning.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME????? Why do I do this????

I do the same thing the Jews did throughout the entire old testament. They did something stupid, God forgave them, they said they wouldn't do it again, then they do it again. It's a vicious cycle. Why do I do this???????

I know. I'm human. But there has to be something else. Am I avoiding God? Is there something really big in the way that makes me NOT want to talk to Him? Am I scared? Or maybe I'm just human. I'm imperfect. I'm a sinner. That's it. I'm a sinner. And I need to fully give my sinner-like qualities to God. But that's hard. It's hard to give up my flesh. It's what I've known for 24 years. And it's so easy to NOT read my bible, or to just let something slip a couple times.

God is still breaking me. He's still trying to teach me to be a horse. I'm not responding. I'm not as broken as I was, I don't think, but I'm not as put together as He would like.

If you are reading this, please pray that I would spend time with God. That's the only way He can work in my life and the only way I will be put back together and trained to be what He wants me to be.

Friday, March 12, 2004

You know what's really been disturbing me lately?

This is something, not just with this issue (a teacher was caught naked in the backseat of her car with a student), but with things like abortion too.

People are irresponsible. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm irresponsible to a point (it takes me 15 minutes to find my purse every time I leave the house; I lock my keys in my car an avg of once a year; I tend to break and lose things easily), but things that are deliberate and stupid.

A lot of women use abortion as a form of birth control. "It's ok if I have unprotected sex, I can get an abortion if I get pregnant." They don't see it as murdering an innocent being, they see it as an inconvenience, but a way to get out of being a teenage mother.

People don't get that they must pay the consequences for their actions. A woman gets naked in a car with one of her students and thinks she's done nothing wrong? What's wrong with that? Where was she when her parents were teaching her the difference between right and wrong?

Too many people think they can do things and get away with them. If it's illegal (like this case, or even murder) they can plead insanity. They can get a good lawyer and can get acquitted on a technicality. If this is the future of our world, I want Jesus to return now. I don't want to live in the future if something doesn't change quick.

Tuesday, March 9, 2004

Just today at lunch (not 30 minutes ago) I began thinking of the rainbow. (I live in the San Francisco area, so a rainbow has various meanings here.) A rainbow is a promise from God. A promise that He will never destroy the human race via waters again.

I believe that this promise has a lot more meaning than that. It is God's first promise to us. And in the last, probably, 10,000 years, He's kept that promise. He's also kept His promise of sending a Messiah. He's kept more promises than we can dare to imagine.

So why is it that the gay and lesbian community took it upon themselves to take the sacred and beautiful symbol of God's promise and turn it into the symbol of homosexuality. God's symbol of promise is now a symbol of sin. I bet the first thought that comes to the minds of some people when they see a rainbow is not God's promise to His people, but rather homosexuality.

It just makes me sick. Absolutely sick.

Monday, March 8, 2004

There's a song, Holiness, that I am very fond of.

But I never quite understood that last verse.

A couple years ago at a bible study, the leader did an object lesson. He had gone out on a walk and collected many objects in the field. These objects were then presented to us as symbols of things from Gods word. There are three that I remember specifically, and 1 that I will focus on. A broken glass bottle.

He presented it to us and said that we were to be broken before God; he then passed around the box of glass pieces and asked us to (carefully) take one to keep as a reminder. It sat in my car for a long time. I think it wasn't until we moved and I actually cleaned my car out that I removed it and threw it in my desk drawer.

Today, while cleaning our office and going through the desk drawer, I find this piece of broken glass. In the period of like 2 seconds (the amount of time it took me to pull it out of the drawer and look at it) I finally figured out what it means to be broken before God.

Have you seen Seabiscuit? If you haven't I'll give you a synopsis. It's about a horse, a jockey, the trainer, and the owner during the great depression. The horse was raised to lose races to encourage other horses to win - give them self confidence. So this horse becomes very, very, very, very stubborn. It has to be broken of it's old ways and re-taught how to be a horse and how to race.

That's what God has to do with us. We were born as sinners and do not want to follow God and listen to God. We are very stubborn sinners. God has to break us of our stubborn, sinful ways and re-teach us how to be children of God. Some are taught easier than others. Some think they know, but really don't. That's when God gets serious.

All my life I knew all the answers in Sunday School and children's church. I knew what to say and when to say it. I ALWAYS had prayer requests because I loved to pray. I went on the retreats because that what you do. I went on the mission trips because that’s what you do. I even re-committed my life to Christ when I realized I was a fake on the outside. Now, I wasn't a Sunday Christian by any means. I talked about it at school, and was moreorless a good example, but I didn't have a personal one-on-one relationship with Christ.

I started reading my bible and praying and really spending time in His word. Man oh man was I learning a lot. I loved it. I wouldn't have made it through college if it weren't for my college bible study and the accountability (and discipleship) I got to spend time with God. It was awesome.

Since the bible study broke up and I graduated, my time in the word has diminished. When I remember (about a week or so at a time in a given month) I read my bible and really spend time in prayer - but nothing like I used to.

I realized tonight in that two seconds I had while holding onto the broken glass that God is breaking me. I need to be broken. I'm that stubborn horse that needs to learn to be a horse again.

The broken glass is sitting on my desk right now - I'm not quite sure what to do with it, but I need to keep it out so I can see it and want to be broken before God.

Saturday, March 6, 2004

To continue my previous thought about war movies and Jesus:

I was thinking about war correspondents. They are like our witness to the war. We can know instantly what is going on in Iraq because of our amazing technology and these journalists (with little to no training in combat situations) go to the front lines and show us what's going on.

I remember when the war started about a year ago and watching the reporter from Fox news or something standing there saying what had been going on, that they were ducking and things were being shot over, and they have to constantly put on the gas masks just in case it was biological or chemical in nature (turned out it never was).

We are the world's war correspondents for this spiritual battle going on. We are the only connection for these people to see what is going on and how to get to safety (heaven). We need to be witnesses to the world and share with them everything we can about God and Jesus and salvation. If the soldiers in Iraq knew that something was coming to the States, wouldn't we want the reporters to tell us? That's what we should be doing for this spiritual war that we are fighting.

Wednesday, March 3, 2004

Eric and I spent several weeks watching the Band of Brothers mini-series by HBO. If you haven't seen it, it's wonderful.

It's about Easy Company, a company of infantry paratroopers during WWII. They drop in on D-Day and finish out the war. They were responsible for many things we accredit to winning WWII.

At the end of the series, the narrator wondered what the people back home were thinking with regards to the war. It was almost over at home and things were getting "back to normal." Did they realize that people were still dying daily in Europe and that even though financially the states were getting better that Americans were still dying and going through this awful experience?

I thought about what that means. Movies like Band of Brothers, Saving Private Ryan to an extent, and other war movies (especially when they are based on true stories) are really the only way that we living now can truly understand what war was really like. What the soldiers died for, what they endured, how the people back home supported (or didn't support) the war effort...

I think the bible and, to an extent, movies like The Passion of the Christ, Jesus of Nazareth, etc. is our look into what it really was like. It's our record of these war times.

Watching Band of Brothers made me want to get online and research WWII and D-Day and Hitler and the axel forces and the allied forces and learn lots about WWII, even find someone who was there and ask questions and get a first account of what it was like. I want to tell others to watch it and see how awesome the movie was and what these men did for us and our country.

I should have the same effect when I read my bible. I should want to read more and learn more and spend time with God and talk to people and fellowship and witness...

I pray that my life with God would be constantly growing and that I would always want to read my bible, spend time with God, fellowship with other believers, go witness to people.

Thursday, February 26, 2004

Do you ever stop to think about what it really means to worship God? I thought about it once. Here's what I came up with.

Worship: Giving all the glory and honor we know how to give to the being/One who deserves it most.

Acknowledgement that we are powerless and helpless without God and acknowledging His power and help and Awesomeness.

In Nehemiah 12:30 we see that the leaders prepare their hearts for worship and I believe it is important that we do the same - whether worshipping as a leader of a praise band, worshipping in the congregation, just you and your family and friends, or just you by yourself. If our hearts aren't prepared to worship God, we will not enter a spirit of worship.

Tuesday, April 6, 2004

I'm a very lazy person and it's really starting to get to me. I'm not sure if I'm lazy, or just unmotivated. Are they the same thing? I sit at my computer all day and could do homework, but I see the mess at my desk and think, "I'll have to clean off my desk in order to put my book down to do my research. I think I'll just play on online." I look at my kitchen table and think the same thing.

This laziness, I've decided, is really a sin. I'm not doing what I should be doing. I don't think God wants me to be lazy.

March 31, 2004

WOW - I finished this book on my way home from school tonight. I'm going to re-read parts of it and really meditate on brokenness and how broken I am and my personal brokenness with God. I think I'm very broken in some areas, kinda broken in other areas, and VERY proud in other areas. I am kinda scared to see how God wants to further break me, but at the same time I'm excited to see what He does and where He takes me.

More after I get my thoughts together on the book.

Wednesday, March 24, 2004

I'm currently reading through a book called brokenness, by Nancy Leigh DeMoss (?). It's a quick read, but lots of good stuff. As I get some thoughts on the book I'll post them here and let y'all read what I'm thinking and what God's doing in my life.

Wednesday, March 17, 2004

When I read through the OT, I often say to myself, "WOW - these people just keep making the same mistake over and over and over and over again and God keeps telling them the same things over and over and over and over again. What's wrong with them!!" But then I look at my life, and it's the exact same thing!!! Boy am I a hypocrite!

Well, I realized something today. I haven't had anything to post in here because God hasn't said anything to me worth posting. Then it occurred to me that I haven't listened to God.

Oh wait, could this be why I'm having trouble focusing in school?

Is this why I'm not sleeping well (even though I bought a new pillow?)?

Is this why work has been so stressful?

DUH!!!!!

So I decide to pick up my bible and read it again and spend time in his word.

But I know what's going to happen. The same thing that always happens. I read it for about a week, then leave it in the car after church, or the living room, or the office, wherever I'm not and I'm too lazy to go pick it up and read it. And I go back to the beginning.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME????? Why do I do this????

I do the same thing the Jews did throughout the entire old testament. They did something stupid, God forgave them, they said they wouldn't do it again, then they do it again. It's a vicious cycle. Why do I do this???????

I know. I'm human. But there has to be something else. Am I avoiding God? Is there something really big in the way that makes me NOT want to talk to Him? Am I scared? Or maybe I'm just human. I'm imperfect. I'm a sinner. That's it. I'm a sinner. And I need to fully give my sinner-like qualities to God. But that's hard. It's hard to give up my flesh. It's what I've known for 24 years. And it's so easy to NOT read my bible, or to just let something slip a couple times.

God is still breaking me. He's still trying to teach me to be a horse. I'm not responding. I'm not as broken as I was, I don't think, but I'm not as put together as He would like.

If you are reading this, please pray that I would spend time with God. That's the only way He can work in my life and the only way I will be put back together and trained to be what He wants me to be.

Friday, March 12, 2004

You know what's really been disturbing me lately?

This is something, not just with this issue (a teacher was caught naked in the backseat of her car with a student), but with things like abortion too.

People are irresponsible. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm irresponsible to a point (it takes me 15 minutes to find my purse every time I leave the house; I lock my keys in my car an avg of once a year; I tend to break and lose things easily), but things that are deliberate and stupid.

A lot of women use abortion as a form of birth control. "It's ok if I have unprotected sex, I can get an abortion if I get pregnant." They don't see it as murdering an innocent being, they see it as an inconvenience, but a way to get out of being a teenage mother.

People don't get that they must pay the consequences for their actions. A woman gets naked in a car with one of her students and thinks she's done nothing wrong? What's wrong with that? Where was she when her parents were teaching her the difference between right and wrong?

Too many people think they can do things and get away with them. If it's illegal (like this case, or even murder) they can plead insanity. They can get a good lawyer and can get acquitted on a technicality. If this is the future of our world, I want Jesus to return now. I don't want to live in the future if something doesn't change quick.

Tuesday, March 9, 2004

Just today at lunch (not 30 minutes ago) I began thinking of the rainbow. (I live in the San Francisco area, so a rainbow has various meanings here.) A rainbow is a promise from God. A promise that He will never destroy the human race via waters again.

I believe that this promise has a lot more meaning than that. It is God's first promise to us. And in the last, probably, 10,000 years, He's kept that promise. He's also kept His promise of sending a Messiah. He's kept more promises than we can dare to imagine.

So why is it that the gay and lesbian community took it upon themselves to take the sacred and beautiful symbol of God's promise and turn it into the symbol of homosexuality. God's symbol of promise is now a symbol of sin. I bet the first thought that comes to the minds of some people when they see a rainbow is not God's promise to His people, but rather homosexuality.

It just makes me sick. Absolutely sick.

Monday, March 8, 2004

There's a song, Holiness, that I am very fond of.

But I never quite understood that last verse.

A couple years ago at a bible study, the leader did an object lesson. He had gone out on a walk and collected many objects in the field. These objects were then presented to us as symbols of things from Gods word. There are three that I remember specifically, and 1 that I will focus on. A broken glass bottle.

He presented it to us and said that we were to be broken before God; he then passed around the box of glass pieces and asked us to (carefully) take one to keep as a reminder. It sat in my car for a long time. I think it wasn't until we moved and I actually cleaned my car out that I removed it and threw it in my desk drawer.

Today, while cleaning our office and going through the desk drawer, I find this piece of broken glass. In the period of like 2 seconds (the amount of time it took me to pull it out of the drawer and look at it) I finally figured out what it means to be broken before God.

Have you seen Seabiscuit? If you haven't I'll give you a synopsis. It's about a horse, a jockey, the trainer, and the owner during the great depression. The horse was raised to lose races to encourage other horses to win - give them self confidence. So this horse becomes very, very, very, very stubborn. It has to be broken of it's old ways and re-taught how to be a horse and how to race.

That's what God has to do with us. We were born as sinners and do not want to follow God and listen to God. We are very stubborn sinners. God has to break us of our stubborn, sinful ways and re-teach us how to be children of God. Some are taught easier than others. Some think they know, but really don't. That's when God gets serious.

All my life I knew all the answers in Sunday School and children's church. I knew what to say and when to say it. I ALWAYS had prayer requests because I loved to pray. I went on the retreats because that what you do. I went on the mission trips because that’s what you do. I even re-committed my life to Christ when I realized I was a fake on the outside. Now, I wasn't a Sunday Christian by any means. I talked about it at school, and was moreorless a good example, but I didn't have a personal one-on-one relationship with Christ.

I started reading my bible and praying and really spending time in His word. Man oh man was I learning a lot. I loved it. I wouldn't have made it through college if it weren't for my college bible study and the accountability (and discipleship) I got to spend time with God. It was awesome.

Since the bible study broke up and I graduated, my time in the word has diminished. When I remember (about a week or so at a time in a given month) I read my bible and really spend time in prayer - but nothing like I used to.

I realized tonight in that two seconds I had while holding onto the broken glass that God is breaking me. I need to be broken. I'm that stubborn horse that needs to learn to be a horse again.

The broken glass is sitting on my desk right now - I'm not quite sure what to do with it, but I need to keep it out so I can see it and want to be broken before God.

Saturday, March 6, 2004

To continue my previous thought about war movies and Jesus:

I was thinking about war correspondents. They are like our witness to the war. We can know instantly what is going on in Iraq because of our amazing technology and these journalists (with little to no training in combat situations) go to the front lines and show us what's going on.

I remember when the war started about a year ago and watching the reporter from Fox news or something standing there saying what had been going on, that they were ducking and things were being shot over, and they have to constantly put on the gas masks just in case it was biological or chemical in nature (turned out it never was).

We are the world's war correspondents for this spiritual battle going on. We are the only connection for these people to see what is going on and how to get to safety (heaven). We need to be witnesses to the world and share with them everything we can about God and Jesus and salvation. If the soldiers in Iraq knew that something was coming to the States, wouldn't we want the reporters to tell us? That's what we should be doing for this spiritual war that we are fighting.

Wednesday, March 3, 2004

Eric and I spent several weeks watching the Band of Brothers mini-series by HBO. If you haven't seen it, it's wonderful.

It's about Easy Company, a company of infantry paratroopers during WWII. They drop in on D-Day and finish out the war. They were responsible for many things we accredit to winning WWII.

At the end of the series, the narrator wondered what the people back home were thinking with regards to the war. It was almost over at home and things were getting "back to normal." Did they realize that people were still dying daily in Europe and that even though financially the states were getting better that Americans were still dying and going through this awful experience?

I thought about what that means. Movies like Band of Brothers, Saving Private Ryan to an extent, and other war movies (especially when they are based on true stories) are really the only way that we living now can truly understand what war was really like. What the soldiers died for, what they endured, how the people back home supported (or didn't support) the war effort...

I think the bible and, to an extent, movies like The Passion of the Christ, Jesus of Nazareth, etc. is our look into what it really was like. It's our record of these war times.

Watching Band of Brothers made me want to get online and research WWII and D-Day and Hitler and the axel forces and the allied forces and learn lots about WWII, even find someone who was there and ask questions and get a first account of what it was like. I want to tell others to watch it and see how awesome the movie was and what these men did for us and our country.

I should have the same effect when I read my bible. I should want to read more and learn more and spend time with God and talk to people and fellowship and witness...

I pray that my life with God would be constantly growing and that I would always want to read my bible, spend time with God, fellowship with other believers, go witness to people.

Thursday, February 26, 2004

Do you ever stop to think about what it really means to worship God? I thought about it once. Here's what I came up with.

Worship: Giving all the glory and honor we know how to give to the being/One who deserves it most.

Acknowledgement that we are powerless and helpless without God and acknowledging His power and help and Awesomeness.

In Nehemiah 12:30 we see that the leaders prepare their hearts for worship and I believe it is important that we do the same - whether worshipping as a leader of a praise band, worshipping in the congregation, just you and your family and friends, or just you by yourself. If our hearts aren't prepared to worship God, we will not enter a spirit of worship.